Let Go!
You cannot rescue anyone who is determined to drown. You have two choices. Drown with them, or survive by letting go and reaching for the buoy or life jacket right above you. The survivor guilt can be managed, but death is a permanent end. I am sitting here in awe of the choice I have made within the 16 hours I have been awake with my qualifier. I made the decision to let go and swim to the top of the waves, grab the life jacket, buoy and surf board that have been waiting for me all this time. My qualifier has always enjoyed sinking to the depths of the…
If only!
When I was little, I had no idea the things my qualifier did were abnormal. It has only been in the last few years of being married to someone who is the complete opposite of my qualifier, that I’ve had to adjust my thought process. Looking back, I remember how mad my qualifier would get. He would have this tunnel vision rage, and take it all out on Mom and me behind closed doors. He would clear tables with his arm while screaming at us. He would stare us down into submission, but I never fully gave in to his threats and rage and this only angered him more. Mom…
One way I cope right now is through dancing.
Her hands trembled for a second. It would only have been noticed by her or her best friend, she always able to see beyond what was actually happening. She’d ask, “why,” I’d answer “lithium!” Which is true, but that’s not why today. She trembled at the thought that her body, so used to failing her, was failing her then. But not failing for the sake of failing or for safety or for recognition of something deeper going on. Her body was failing because she was so close to success. Her tremble was another hiccup, another reminder that if she kept failing it would prevent her from succeeding and she could…
Dear Ma,
I wish I could say the grief of losing you would hit me out of no where, but the reality, Ma, the heavy weight pulls me down into dark water. There is no sun where I go. There is no blue and white buoy attached to my arms, as heavy as if they were cast in cement. For a while I was above water, sitting on the boardwalk of life, taking in the sun just as the seagulls do. I saw the dark water below and realized only as I plunged in again that for a moment in time I actually was on top. Tears are hardly new in my…
Who Knows?
The wind blew past my face with a gale like force, and I had to laugh. Only Mama would show up with such a description, her name being Gail, the pun caught me by surprise. I turned to face the movement of air with confidence looking over this mountain range. “Mom, am I doing the right thing? Am I in the right place? Are you proud of me? I had no idea how bad things were between you two. I had no idea he had never gotten better. Why did you hide so much from me? I could have protected you more.” The whistling of the wind was my only…
It’s been a while!
I’ve been thinking a lot about how to share my story. I want to be proof that one can live a decent and productive life with mental illness. But I’m sure I’ve said it before, fear of what close family and future friends will think has kept me away from this blog and my IG page. As I continue to work on telling my story I will ask this… what are you willing to lose to be a light for just one person struggling? I thought I knew…. We shall see.
It’s time to write again…
My heart has been exploding with blog post titles. It has been exploding with little quotes my Mamabear is sending my way. My terror of people finding out about my mental illness is something I can’t quite fathom or describe. I just want people to know they are not alone. That even in wanting to help, fear plays a major role in my daily decisions to write or not. I’m a tall person that wears her heart on her sleeve and I’m excited to share what has been brewing inside since I last wrote. We are all rising from the ashes and it is marvelous.
A Five Week Wait
I set out on an adventure this past weekend, to a location in the state that had no cell reception, no TV access or news access. It gave me a chance to almost purge myself of the toxic political combat that has taken over our air waves and TV screens. I sat by the fire when we first arrived, taking in the beauty of the coals under the timber, shimmering with heat. It hypnotized me into a state of sweet surrender, and as I looked up into a sky thick with stars, I began to feel that special feeling of something so much bigger then I, happening out there. Something…
Free at last
I stared up from my hands, remembering Mom always shows up through birds and nature, but nothing came. The wind paused and the chimes kept on singing, but I saw the wind coming through the trees to cause their song and dance. I stood up and walked to the edge of our deck and leaned against the railing. After many moments, I heard their cries above. Two red tailed hawks came from the east. They circled each other in wide circles and came over our neighbor’s house, and over our driveway. They then made a huge circle over our house. Peace fell on me and a smile came across my face, which I did…
A Pass Through Grief While Enduring Mental Illness